“From the perspective of Chanukah” by Eric Sirota

I am the American dream personified

The essence of a self-made man

Most of you think I am the most important Jewish holiday

I am not even in the bible,

Yet look at me along side these others

No one has heard of

Schimni atzeret, tubishvat, simchat torah

When was the last time you saw a Yom Kippur hallmark card?

Yom kippur is about repentance and fasting

Call it a high holiday if you want, but guilt and hunger don’t sell

I sell

I started from the bottom, Drake started a child star

I started with nothing, yet here I am

Eight days of X Box games, of slow dancing with Geoffrey the Toys R us giraffe,

I am so popular that middle-America wal-marts say happy holidays on Christmas

Because of me

While I ride the season like a racehorse

Yelling “location, location, location”

As rosh Hashanah looks on longingly from autumn

Sure, if I was a better man I might share the limelight with these holier days devoted to family and forgiveness

But this is capitalism

My value is in your hands

And every year you choose me

Against all odds

I’m not some feel-good fourth of july “Hey, we’re free from England, we don’t have to wear those fuckin wigs anymore”

My tale is one of militant Hebrews gaining leverage to better oppressed moderate jews

But still, everyone loves me

I’ve got lunchboxes and shit

And I do it on my own

I don’t need that pansy ass thanksgiving

Mc-graw hill textbook consultants to knit a quilt from my broken glass narrative

I succeed without help, I don’t need help.

I was born on Christmas

Jesus wasn’t even born on Christmas.

So take it from me, jewish high holidays with your three hour liturgies and introspective world peace bullshit

What was your miracle, pesach? swarms of locusts? Stone tablets? I’m sure those just fly off the shelf

Oil was my miracle

That’s that shit we got to war for

Halliburton doesn’t hire mercenaries to capture unleavened bread

Your archaic rituals are fossils

I am the petroleum meniscus rising above them

Just watch my dreidil spin

Watch the winner snatch up the pot

 

And why shouldn’t he? He earned it.

 

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